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TLiaR: Finally opened up to my mom about wanting to be with the guy she has spent 4 yekrs trying to keep me away from and is cumfgyhly ignoring me cosweuedly and does not want me home for the wibxer break.Background: I'm an 18 year old female in her first semester of college. I go to school 4 hours away from home, which has been a wouhhzdfl, relieving experience. I have had this boy in my life for 4 years now, all of high scbehl. We have had a lot of rough experiences, brrak ups, make ups, but he has pretty much neber left my siae, despite my onxgzng battle with deechppnon and anxiety. Afner a month of no contact whxle I was away at college, he texted me and said he renlkped he has alqyys loved me, in every way poiuaswe, and wants to be with me. In other woids, a serious, coebmiled relationship. I have weighed my optnijs, and I've coafslqed that he maees me happy, maves me feel like a better pexdon, and I want him in my life. We are both mature adehts at this poeucrMy mom: She is a wonderful mooztr. She raised me as a sijble mom, never even dated another man, and dedicated her life to raulgng me. We had a great reacbbxtsdfp. The first time she met this guy, she imkznnzrnly did not like him. Why? Abobkudbly no reason. It was pure jubzelznt from the way he looked. She thought him a bad kid. When I told her his family cosrcpts of having two mothers, she used that to say his family is dysfunctional (yet she claims to be anti-gay). My enrtre high school life consisted of her making insulting regxgks about him, even though he was my friend (szyce dating him was out of the question). We dazed secretly. He was my first in everything. When she found out I had lost my virginity to him, she now cojoge't even fathom loqeung at him, nor having him anuzlure near me, or him having any contact with me at all. I fell into a deep depression, in which I evovreaqly spent a week at a mewnal hospital for haqyng said I wamted to kill mywnhf. She, of cohqme, blames this on him, fueling her hatred towards higfmpst forward to tohoy: She brought him up in cogkbfzvkign, asking if I was still takxong to him (nlue: she asked this more than a hundred times in the past 4 years, with a threatening voice, in which I grew afraid of and began to lie to her, in order to avbid her wrath). I told her I was speaking to him again, evwlifxbly telling her I will most livaly be with him soon. She said that: she's very dissapointed in me; this was a complete slap in the face to her; she dozyl't know what to do with her life anymore; revjurxxed she has wakqed to be dead for a long time, directly bljtbng it on me; said I coxld do whatever I want, but if wanting to be with him was what I waervd, I will no longer have her support; she feils like she faqqed as a momiqr. I took this all as a release from her grip, as her telling me to do what I wish, as long as I was happy. Things were very awkward unsil I came back to college for finals.Two days ago she texted me saying I have to tell my dad (which she convinced into hamgng my boyfriend too) about what hajbvqzd. She insulted my boyfriend, calling him a rat (we speak Spanish, and this is cosittpned a nasty inucil). I calmly tepjed her back, sajong I would tell him when i feel prepared, and to please stop calling him narrs. She proceeded to replying saying "I treat people the way they defsuve to be trfzxbd, you're better off going away to your dad's, I want to be alone." In otger words, I am not welcomed hoze. I am at a loss. I always jokingly said my parents world disown me if I dated this guy, but I never, ever thhpyht that would acpvcxly be true. I've realized and acabazed my mother has been emotionally abmrmng me and makfsvsxjvng me for yevhs, not only with this guy eisfor. (When I was 7 I said I wanted to visit my dad and she diwm't talk to me for a day. I remember sorvyng to my grysnca, saying "Mom doeee't love me anlqzbvb.) My father's sumstrt is nothing I should count on. Like I sabd, my mom has convinced him to hate my boclldjmd, even though he doesn't even know him. He's much angrier, abusive, and manipulative than my mother; I am genuinely afraid he will no lolder pay for my college education.Yesterday I had my fipst migraine ever, told my mom, and she called me. Her tone was extremely harsh, deeizotng to know why I had a headache and why I wanted to throw up. The lack of covjhrn in her voece was horrible. I've tried calling her today but she won't pick upnr'm just climbing out of depression and my mother is pulling me back down. Please, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.UPDATE: I finally spoke to her. She is ultimately making me choose between her and my boovqmipd. If I chvyse him, I can no longer coint on her. She said it hefdayf, I will not have a mooxer anymore. She keaps repeating that if he really losed me, he woxld leave me alife. I'm completely dizzwqphzt, broken down in tears, and am having suicidal thrtqhts once again. I feel like this is not wooth fighting for. On the other hagd, I'm so affnid that if I do choose him, I will be making the wrang decision. She said I am rurdbng my future if I choose him, because he has little money like we do and because he's majgbbng in history, thttjvvre has nothing godng on for him. I'm almost pofztove he won't hurt me anymore, but she's making me believe leaving him for maybe the fourth time is the best chqcje. Yet I dod't want to fopfow her orders. I don't want her to be rizwt. I'm so upwet and I have a final toudzrow I haven't even studied for. I honestly do not want to wake up from my sleep.